Where my Memories lies

I promised myself that I wont let any page of my diary get wet with my tears but I just can't hold it anymore. I don't know why I'm crying, I swear to God I'm fucking weak. I'm done with blaming it all to myself but who am I to put all this mistakes I've done on somebody else shoulder? I'm tired of being the person I don't want to be; I've tried to be cool with every little jokes that people made about me so I could just blend in with the rest of my mates. I've worked my best to excel at my workstation but without any trust left in myself, I just couldn't see why I should continue being a total geek. Falling in love with you was something I dont had any control but this love life had gone through too many of ups and down, sometime I just don't feel like trying anymore. I keep on lying telling myself that it's going to be okay, I know it will but do you ever had that feeling? The answer is NO, because you can't be ever at my place.
I'm full of flaws, I know. But I have learned to accept every little weakness about myself more that anybody ever knew it. I dont love myself anymore, I dont have any reason for that. I tried to kill myself, I wont care to cut a scar and let myself bleed for no reason.

But again, I'm being too scared to speak up, I lost my courage to let myself heard; I am fading away. I'm starting to be afraid to step out and see what God had plan for me out there. I hate seeing myself this
weak. I sure don't want to spend the next 10 years telling stories about my sad life. I want to be happy too but maybe, just maybe, this the life I have  to face before God opens up any door for me to walk in a better life..Maybe one day he will give me courage to fade your memories out of my soul..I am hatating this long silence.....and One day I will overcome this...Maybe..Maybe Not <Miss you>.