Where my Memories lies

I just want to type something out tonight. After Thursday and all the reflections, I figured that I’m going to have to find a way to reflect about my life. Whatever, I am just going to to pen all these memories and thoughts down here.
Anyway when I finally got the results and I didn’t achieve the target,It was not bad though but not upto to the mark, failed to hit the line. I felt disappointed, sad and numb but mostly numb, I didn’t know what to do, felt as if my fate was sealed to fail in studies (life). I just kept thinking to myself that I can always try again and do better but that thought was pushed back in the deepest part of my brain because I got caught up with my pessimistic thoughts. At first, it was okay well no not really, but there was a nagging feeling that kept on bothering me. I slowly began to feel like I don’t belong here with these people around me as if I suddenly had a moment of clarity. The fog from my brain began to clear up and the thought of me quitting everything came back.

The idea of me failing (in everything I do) slowly turned as my ultimatum, it was as if I need to get out of here, and that I don’t belong anywhere.The place that I thought I’ll be happy became my personal hellhole. Everyone around me became a nuisance and my family where I use to feel fine are now in category of same other people. It has always been my dream to be someone who will be able to achieve beyond what anybody never expect me to achieve or at least making myself feel successful, but it feels like I’m slowly failing myself and everything is rather impossible for me to achieve right now.
So, what’s the point in all of this? I guess the point is that sometimes as humans when we weren’t able to reach that dream of ours we give up and look for something else; and then when a sudden feeling of unfulfillment hits you like a train, it makes you feel even worse and that you feel nothing but to give everything up. There's probably 101 million things all jumbled up in my head right now. It feels like I'm drowning in the deep blue ocean not being able to swim anywhere

I can clearly understand the state of your mind. I can feel the way you can feel putting myself in your shoes but just wanted to say that be proud of who you are; how you ended being the person you are today. But I can't deny the fact that sometimes we wish we are living in someone else's life. Someone luckier. We wish we can see what others see in me. But that is not going to change anyting. Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.

 

Writing has helped me through my darkest times when I was too embarrassed to ask for help. It was through writings that I was able to built a bridge made of reckless and poisonous thoughts to a place that brought me to the people who (used to be strangers then but) means a lot to me now. I remember clicking the pages of my blog to the part where I wrote a letter to the person I adore so much and shamelessly asked her to read it. Little did I know, she fell in love with me through every words written in fears and insecurities. And she managed to grabbed me out of my dreadful thoughts and made me realized of so many things that I should feel lucky for. She thinks that my deep passion about emotions are rather fascinating than a burden for her to help with. My past failures has brought me to a world full of hopes and chances. I miss writing a lot of honest thoughts when I was in the state of being depressed- falling off the cliff into a pool of negativity. But nothing can ever compare to the feeling of being content towards everything. You know, to wake up everyday expecting something great is about to happen, to love what you're doing and doing what you love, to find peace when you're alone, to feel someone's love when they're worried sick about you...those kind of things that you'll tend to overlook when you're too busy being a slave to your sad feelings.
However, I'm still grasping for inspirations to write down the way I feel right now because to me, writing anything that's related to happiness is pretty hard when you're used to being sad and depressed the whole time. I know I haven't been updating my blog as frequent as I used to but trust me, I've been meaning to find the right time and inspirations to do so. Still, I failed too many times. I realize that my love towards writings and the whole idea of blogging had never die. They just faded away but they're still there; holding a rebel inside of me trying to set free through the tips of my hand.

                                                                                                                             # 04th aug-Mon.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around...
You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.
 

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid its like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure thats so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

"I love you , but you don't"

"When I can give you time despite my busy schedule, why can't you?"

How often do you come across such statements from your loved ones? It is disheartening to hear such disturbing lines from our loved ones especially when we strive hard to make them feel special. Due to our daily activities we could not spend quality time with them. Trust me such words from loved ones are not soothing. Love is a special feeling. It is unique and omnipresent, just that we see it with closed eyes.

I remember the time when I fell in love with you, I experienced butterflies fluttering in my stomach and kind of birds dancing around my head. Of course that doesn't happens now, your behavior and attitude changed. Thanks to the hormones which play a vital role in such activities. Trust me, when you are determined to fall in love with someone, you should be ready to invest some time for them. All that I need is to spend some quality time with you. If you can never donate valuable time for your loved one then why fall in love at first place but secondly, of course I know you don't love me. I hate checking my phone and seeing that you didn’t text me first. I hate feeling clingy and annoying when I finally decide to text you first. I hate waiting around for your reply. I hate how I actually look forward to your reply. I hate pretending not to care by putting my phone on silent but then caving in and checking 5 minutes later. I hate feeling like I need you more than you need me.  

At the first step, we try our level best to impress our lover. That's the time we should realize and think about how much time and energy we are going to invest to this relationship. Try to revert back equally when it comes to love. We should give an equal amount of love back. Problems are parts and parcel of relationship. Love is like a game where each team tries to give their equal best. It shouldn't be a one sided affair.

Introspect and tell me how it feels to be in love. When you are committed to someone, be focused on small things which would make them happy. Take them for a movie, dinner, a long walk and do things which would make them happy and still smile in their face. Not everyone is lucky enough to fall in love. Be happy that you are amongst those lucky ones to be loved by someone. If you have won someone's heart then be loyal to them and try to live up to their expectation. Spending some time with them will not destroy your business or profit for that matter. Make them feel special. Compliment and Appreciate each other.  Will you still be the same if I'll be not around you? You will certainly miss me and wait for my arrival, atleast a little.

No one would unnecessarily harbor special feelings for you. They like some qualities of you and certain things in you impressed them thus making them fall for you. First try to know if you are with the right person whom you are destined to be. In this materialistic money minded world, it might be certain that your partner might be using you as a mere trump card exhibiting fake feelings. A true lover's feeling would be authentic and real. Try to identify how much your partner loves you.

There might be in differences and arguments, but never let your love fade away from your life. Do not dabble in love and exhibit fake feelings for your partner. If you do, then be prepared to see your love vanishing away from your life. You will feel jinxed and cry at your own plight. Sit and talk. Love is sensitive and one should never play with or even try to play with someone's feeling. Talk with them and try to resolve the conflicts. They Say "A true love lives forever". Be honest, share views and talk amiably with each other. This might help you. Care for the one who loves and make them feel you are there for them.

In the back of my mind, somewhere deep in my heart there lies a small area where my heart beats for you. 

I hate seeing you so sad it breaks me. Every time I just want to be there to make everything okay for you. I just want to see you smile and be able to hold you every moment of everyday. Certainly I would never feel like this with anyone. I love everything about you, I'm sorry I get jealous, and scared I'll lose you, but you don't realize how amazing you are and what a big loss it would be for me. I get jealous because I want every waking moment with you because life is short and I don't want to miss a second with you. 

I can sit here with you forever. I don't need to touch you. I don't need to hear your voice. I don't even have to look at you. As long as I know that you're here besides me. If I can smell your scent that I've grown to adore more then that of roses, hear you breathe feel your warmth permuting the air around me, I'll be fine..

#Wed 18sep 2:45 am

 

I read this statement somewhere and just love this. It has nothing to do with this post. How often do we realize that any act of yours could hurt some one. We may have not intended to hurt the person, but the message may be misinterpreted and the person may feel bad. There are such people who have this unique talent of hurting people. I call it as a talent just because in some way or the other I find myself associated with this thing. When you speak something, we often fail to take a note of the impact it creates on the opponent. I can relate myself to this category of people. I have hurt few of my best people which includes my parents, my sibling, my friends, cousins etc. Its only after that I regret hurting a wonderful person, someone close to my heart. 
I have no doubts that god has send me his best people to be my friends. This is the person who have supported me and encouraged me for things which I couldn't do. I remember how I once spoke against my parents for irritating me early morning. Infact they both were making sense, its just that I took it the wrong way. I was already pissed of due to this recession saga and it was 7 am early morning. But this was not the only but at present I don't know why, but I am too stupid, I badly hurted many a times some one who knew me so well. It is one who I adore, one of my best friend. I mean the bestest of my friend. I don't know if such word exists in English dictionary, I just want to say that this person has done so many wonders. At times, I plan to make decisions hastily. Deleting my blog was a long time goal ....hehe its not going to be an achievement though. It is this person who protested against this decision and told me the importance of my blog and my small little readers group. My blog would have died long ago if it wasn't this person. It was this persons advice and words or few which have made me smile at a time. Thanks a lot best friend, you don't cease to make me smile.
The title of the post was actually a thought provoking statement which was some of my friends said Just concentrate on this line and think for a while. How meaningful it is naa?? Its quite true that its just one smile that could stop people's tear. All that I want from you is just one smile. I know you could very well fake smiles and I am very well aware of it. I can easily find out the difference between your original and fake smiles. I know I am rude and stupid soul on Earth. I know how much I irritate you. And the same thing continuous every time. I am so sorry for it .

Thanks a lot for being my best buddy on earth. I just want to show you this picture. If you still don't smile, then this is what gonna happen.

And hey this is for you....Just accept this .I know you got a special crush on choclates ....:D..

I cannot see my best friend sad and hope you know it...

This is for you and only you know it why :)

Life has taken a U Turn, April 2013 Feels like I am standing at the same point where I stood six years back. No it's not about joining a new job. But currently I am facing yet another cross road. I remember the words "to be or not to be" well yeah they are the famous words, but I remember someone close say these to me and today, not exactly today but in the recent times I have these words crossing my mind quite often. 

How does it feel if you find yourself in a situation where you were six years back ?? 

I had come to Delhi, no friends, not even a single known face. Now after all six years I feel the same. I am still at Delhi for those who might wonder where I am currently but I still feel the same. Not many people I know and that's in a very literal way I mean it. Not many know me in fact no one knows me. 

Who I am. I am lost somewhere. Recently I shifted my flat. This time with a roommate, old buddies left to the other part of the city. The only reason of parting from my friends was to stay close to offic, but in vain, every effort to make my wishes work fails.
Coming back to Delhi after flat 1 year seems like its a transfer to me. New flat, new people in neighbor, at office.
Though people whom I meet are my team mates, but I use to meet them only at my cubical or team hurdle, they no longer resides in my memory once I leave my office. I still have the phone numbers of all my old buddies in which half of them are not in use but having them in my phone-book gives a feeling of familiarity. Coming Delhi this time is like a completely new experience for me, though hectic it teaches you many things in life. You get to see that you are not the only person who is around working hard, there are even people who have been doing the same thing since ages..just for their families.

Living jobless for one year in Bokaro was all hell and I felt the urge to get back to Delhi, at least I could do something for my family and for myself. After all that’s why we exist, moreover, today or tomorrow I would be changing my job  and would go to some other company, meantime, I am missing S very much and probably my missing her these days is making me to feel this U turn feeling, she had been there with me since long and its long time I had her any news and after long two years of togetherness I ought to have this void around me. 

There seems to be too much of confusion. First, I know switch is not that a tough thing to do even during this tough market scenario but even after a switch I will be at the same place where I am today. I wont get to be a CEO instantly and it wouldn't help me personally either nothing gonna change. I know this can be best thing I can do. but I don’t know why I fail to put in the effort may be its because of complacency, of the backup that I have in form of a job. I need to burn my boats, close all the options. I know I have it in me but nothing is achieved without hard work so I need to put in effort. But somewhere I too don’t feel to change my direction when I have already invested my four years somewhere else. How is this going to help? Shouldn't I carry on in the same domain. In the outsourcing rather than getting into technology?? But I do realize that we at outsourcing don’t have something great at our hand, even a 10th grade student can do the same if given training for a month and if he knows how to handle a PC nothing great..And funny it may sound somewhere in the back of my mind…I too think I should give it a try for civil services, But I feel I have a kind of  inclination towards the arts subjects, sociology, philosophy, psychology, history (though I am very poor at memorizing), geography but it’s a tough nut to crack when I have least idea about such subject. 

Currently, every day ahead is so very blank like never before..so very confused…I feel I need to have an opinion poll…Please suggest!

I crave to be accepted for who I am on my darkest days. I want you to see how tangled I am with my past, how high my ego is. I want to shower you with all of my imperfections. I know it will scare you off and I know it shouldn't be this way but I believe that the best part of me is something that you need to fight for, not something that was made to please you. I stay devoted to the people I care about. I have a huge dream. You will soon realize how softhearted I am- but only if you choose to stay a little longer. I hope you do but I can't force feelings and I certainly have no rights to keep you.

So I'll wait, even though waiting is tiring and fruitless. To bring a stranger into your life and allow them to catch a glimpse of what it's like to have you around and was thrown away because you don't belong in their expectations- well that sucks. And I can't bear to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or maybe I should have stop trying way too hard. Either way, it's eating up my bar of patience and I'm beginning to lose hope. I just, I hope you will stay. I don't know who you are yet, and I'm starting to feel like I wouldn't even meet you in the end. Please appear to where I'm typing right now because I need you to hold my trembling hand and tell me that it is all okay now. Please, find me. Find me quick. Because I'm tired of pushing people away without my consciousness. And I'm afraid I might had pushed you away too.

(#sun 6th april 1:15am)