Where my Memories lies

Sometimes I say that all I want is love. But when it is given to me, no matter how pure...it's never good enough. Why isn't it good enough? Why can't it be good enough? I just don't get why. I am so contradicting of my own beliefs. I constantly indulge myself in an obsession or addiction so I can say "Oh, that's what makes me happy, that's why I'm alive." But isn't there something more to life? I know there is and I know what now. I just can't quite grasp it. I hate being confused and for some reason that's what I am most of the time. Most of the time I don't really know why I do things. To impress? No. because no one comes to see. I am healed; but not quite cured. But was I ever sick? Or does everyone think like this? The mind is a scary place, maybe that's why I'm so afraid. I think too much. I can't write anymore. What I want is just to be happy. But, aren't I? I find it hard to believe that what I feel isn't artificial happiness. Aren't I getting better? Can't I just blame this all on seasonal depression? Or is it my own fault? 

I wonder a lot if there was something traumatic that happened to me in the past that I don't remember. I don't know love. I know regret and guilt. I can control my mood with a simple trick called denial. I truly never realized it, but I've used my anger all this time to prevent myself from feeling. I know this because one day I let go of my anger and started to feel. I hesitated, but I did it. I didn't let myself breathe in reality too long, because it was easier to be angry even if it was never true. Now I am ditching my feeling again, but it's one of my resolutions to get healed. To feel and get it out. I will, but what if...there I go again. The "what if's". I need to stop pretending. I was supposed to be better. I was supposed to be good. I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough for anyone and now I know they just were'nt good enough for me. I am the king of all hypocrites, for I couldn't accept anyone or myself, though I said I could. It's all because I was afraid. I still am, but I'm trying to break free from this tightly compacted shell that surronds me. You see, this is why I isolated myself. Why I pushed you away because if you had been there with me while I was trying to heal I would have hurt you, because I would have said what my mind was thinking but by myself; I only had to worry about hurting myself. It's okay if you don't understand. You really don't need to. Most of the time I have no idea what I'm talking about, and I rarely know how I feel. I can never cry when I want to, and I use sleep to run away. I thought no one could accept me, accept me after the things I had done. I found few who could. Those who can't, well, I just have to show that they're good enough for me, because even now I can't be good enough for them. Sometimes I just want to let them go but I'm being selfish when I think that way. I'm only thinking of the fact that it will hurt me, and I don't tend to realize how much it will hurt them. 

Everytime I try to turn away I find these people latched on to me, some holding tighter than others. I used to think I was extremly sensitive. Now I know I just couldn't understand me. I didn't know why I felt so angry when someone was with someone else instead of me. I still don't know, but I think I know now how to calm those feelings and not take anything out on anyone. People hurt me. People will always hurt me, I can't help that. "I don't believe anything is gained from fighting." that was a line said by someone great who I don't know but that is right. Nothing is gained. People fight because they want understanding. If you think about it. That's the only reason we fight, to get the other person -to see-to understand, but with fighting how can that be accomplished? It only brings out anger in people. No one wants to understand while they have so much anger released from them. That's why I won't fight anymore. If people can't understand then oh well. I need to try. I may sound stupid, but trying is going to be harder for me than anything. But I need to, and hard. I can't give up; because I always give up and hurt myself in the end. A famous quote says that you haven't lost until you've given up. There's a reason why people want to win. Yes, winning is hard at the start and the middle. But losing is hard at the end. And once your at the end, it's over. With winning, you have a chance. I want to win...no, I will win...so that maybe I can have another chance.