Where my Memories lies

Its a long time I had not updated anything here. Its not like I am super-busy these days or I got nothing to spill about. But I will say there is a kind of chemical-locha in my mind these days. Sounds funny?? Well, that doesn't matter !

I am undergoing an identity crisis, sounds a heavy word but I will say this is the exact phrase I can use for myself. Everybody under the blue who I know can be categorized, like some are funny, some are arrogant, some are handsome. But when the bottle neck comes to me, I have to think, and this is frustrating.
I am atleast happy to say that I am trying find out more about myself. Not everyday it is a success. But, some days, I am really good at finding out about myself. It is a strange connection that I have with myself. I have wanted to stay apart from it- my inner self. I didn't like the look of it. So, shredded as it was, this connection will take a long long time to succeed.
I love reading. And, this is not the first time when I actually felt to say it. As the fever crept its way through my body, stopping at creaking joints and popping knuckles, I watched myself close. Lying down the whole day,  my head resting on my pillow, the only thing that I had with me was a book.
And, it seemed enough.
Turning page after page, shifting my position onto the one that is more comfortable, I finished two books in one week. I have done this before. But, when I am well, I find myself lesser inclined to concentrate.
Reading has become what it should be. A favorite pastime, a beautiful way to explore the world staying in just one single place. I can say that I love reading because once I begin, I continue.
And, I like it

Another of the things that I have noticed about myself is that I cuss a lot. I don't use it in writing, I don't use it when I talk, but it goes on in my head. At a really bad pace.
All those frustrated emotions banging, being denied to come out, they have rested safe and locked within me. And, at once, a bad situation makes me cuss hard. It is no relief. Most of the times, it makes me feel cheap and disgusted.
When I was little, I could not talk. I could not say what thoughts raced through my head. It was a pathetic situation- trust me. So, whenever I could not express myself, I sabotaged those words and put them into my head processor, letting it coagulate there until time.
Today, I suffer from it. All those locked up emotions have strangled my inner voice and replaced it.
I am trying to bring more positive thoughts. I am trying to keep myself away from strong emotions that ruin. And, I am learning to speak what I have to speak. At the right time.
Exploring my inner realms has been rewarding. But, it has its own consequences. There are so many things that I don't like about myself as I continue to dig deeper.
One day, I will be able to make peace with myself with a proper word for myself in place of 'Identity-crisis'.
Till that day, I will keep trying.