Where my Memories lies

I sat for a long time staring at this blank document. Not getting the right words to put here and I was wondering why I didn’t write or for that matter couldn’t write all these weeks. I don’t know what is it that comes in my mind which makes me feel compelled to pen it down, and then if it’s not that unthinkable then post it here.
One thing that I experienced this week was the sparking fire inside me conditioned by anxiety, nervousness, tension, stress, excitement...and I think many words used from the dictionary would fall short of explaining that mixed feeling.

As I stand here in my balcony overlooking the shiny street, twinkling lights of Diwali, fresh from the cleaning at the dead of night, I feel the wind blowing on my face, on this chilly and starry night. The coldness grips my body. I have been feeling strange, something missing, maybe again unanswered questions looming around. But this dark hour of the night, the serene environment, just a car or two moving in my sight, street lights shining, the green leaves dancing with the stormy wind. It’s one such night, when answers again are asked by this soul inside me. I let this life come in me, just some few months back, it was so beautiful, just the feeling of it. But then there are always some big questions, which ruins, spoils the moments of bliss and solitude.





I don’t know if I give too much importance to things which don’t matter, or is it that I am just highly emotional today?! Again a question, questioning my feelings. This life in me is alive for some people really close, but I wonder where this soul exists in me. Why is it that just some, small words also break me hard? When I should retaliate back, why do I take a step back and be nice again? I fear if I give in too much, I’ll leave stuffs I have a right on and in turn get nothing but a terrible void. It’s simple, I should stop giving. But the question is, “How?”
I am alive; I breathe this life in and out numerous times in a minute, hour, days, months and years. But I question my very survival again. I don’t know how much of this struggle is still remaining? How much will this heart try to hide it inside, suppress the feelings, and still smile and move on again, again every day, every moment again the same, just again and again.

I don’t know why in this world, whole lot of crowd, I want my moment of ‘me’. It instils life in me, keeps me going, for something better, for my dreams, for this world I plan to create. I don’t know if anyone’s going to support me. I don’t even expect, I don’t need anyone in this rigorous fight! I am strong enough to fight it out. Just sometimes I fall weak, I withdraw from the world, my friends, and I stop socializing. I know it’s bad, but I can’t help it.

Darkness reveals a lot of things, only those people sleep who fear this void. When I stand here, I can't avoid the temptation of roaming in my past. Again the mystery, happiness, sadness, depression, memories, cold gripping, numbs my soul to the extent that I feel no more. Nothingness engulfs me hard.
Living the life, as it is in me, will leave it soon. Once I am tired of it. But will live till the life has burned me hard, numbed me so that I’ll never rise again, just to get a new “Life in me”.