Where my Memories lies

I just want to type something out tonight. After Thursday and all the reflections, I figured that I’m going to have to find a way to reflect about my life. Whatever, I am just going to to pen all these memories and thoughts down here.
Anyway when I finally got the results and I didn’t achieve the target,It was not bad though but not upto to the mark, failed to hit the line. I felt disappointed, sad and numb but mostly numb, I didn’t know what to do, felt as if my fate was sealed to fail in studies (life). I just kept thinking to myself that I can always try again and do better but that thought was pushed back in the deepest part of my brain because I got caught up with my pessimistic thoughts. At first, it was okay well no not really, but there was a nagging feeling that kept on bothering me. I slowly began to feel like I don’t belong here with these people around me as if I suddenly had a moment of clarity. The fog from my brain began to clear up and the thought of me quitting everything came back.

The idea of me failing (in everything I do) slowly turned as my ultimatum, it was as if I need to get out of here, and that I don’t belong anywhere.The place that I thought I’ll be happy became my personal hellhole. Everyone around me became a nuisance and my family where I use to feel fine are now in category of same other people. It has always been my dream to be someone who will be able to achieve beyond what anybody never expect me to achieve or at least making myself feel successful, but it feels like I’m slowly failing myself and everything is rather impossible for me to achieve right now.
So, what’s the point in all of this? I guess the point is that sometimes as humans when we weren’t able to reach that dream of ours we give up and look for something else; and then when a sudden feeling of unfulfillment hits you like a train, it makes you feel even worse and that you feel nothing but to give everything up. There's probably 101 million things all jumbled up in my head right now. It feels like I'm drowning in the deep blue ocean not being able to swim anywhere

I can clearly understand the state of your mind. I can feel the way you can feel putting myself in your shoes but just wanted to say that be proud of who you are; how you ended being the person you are today. But I can't deny the fact that sometimes we wish we are living in someone else's life. Someone luckier. We wish we can see what others see in me. But that is not going to change anyting. Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.

 

Writing has helped me through my darkest times when I was too embarrassed to ask for help. It was through writings that I was able to built a bridge made of reckless and poisonous thoughts to a place that brought me to the people who (used to be strangers then but) means a lot to me now. I remember clicking the pages of my blog to the part where I wrote a letter to the person I adore so much and shamelessly asked her to read it. Little did I know, she fell in love with me through every words written in fears and insecurities. And she managed to grabbed me out of my dreadful thoughts and made me realized of so many things that I should feel lucky for. She thinks that my deep passion about emotions are rather fascinating than a burden for her to help with. My past failures has brought me to a world full of hopes and chances. I miss writing a lot of honest thoughts when I was in the state of being depressed- falling off the cliff into a pool of negativity. But nothing can ever compare to the feeling of being content towards everything. You know, to wake up everyday expecting something great is about to happen, to love what you're doing and doing what you love, to find peace when you're alone, to feel someone's love when they're worried sick about you...those kind of things that you'll tend to overlook when you're too busy being a slave to your sad feelings.
However, I'm still grasping for inspirations to write down the way I feel right now because to me, writing anything that's related to happiness is pretty hard when you're used to being sad and depressed the whole time. I know I haven't been updating my blog as frequent as I used to but trust me, I've been meaning to find the right time and inspirations to do so. Still, I failed too many times. I realize that my love towards writings and the whole idea of blogging had never die. They just faded away but they're still there; holding a rebel inside of me trying to set free through the tips of my hand.

                                                                                                                             # 04th aug-Mon.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around...
You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.
 

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid its like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure thats so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

"I love you , but you don't"

"When I can give you time despite my busy schedule, why can't you?"

How often do you come across such statements from your loved ones? It is disheartening to hear such disturbing lines from our loved ones especially when we strive hard to make them feel special. Due to our daily activities we could not spend quality time with them. Trust me such words from loved ones are not soothing. Love is a special feeling. It is unique and omnipresent, just that we see it with closed eyes.

I remember the time when I fell in love with you, I experienced butterflies fluttering in my stomach and kind of birds dancing around my head. Of course that doesn't happens now, your behavior and attitude changed. Thanks to the hormones which play a vital role in such activities. Trust me, when you are determined to fall in love with someone, you should be ready to invest some time for them. All that I need is to spend some quality time with you. If you can never donate valuable time for your loved one then why fall in love at first place but secondly, of course I know you don't love me. I hate checking my phone and seeing that you didn’t text me first. I hate feeling clingy and annoying when I finally decide to text you first. I hate waiting around for your reply. I hate how I actually look forward to your reply. I hate pretending not to care by putting my phone on silent but then caving in and checking 5 minutes later. I hate feeling like I need you more than you need me.  

At the first step, we try our level best to impress our lover. That's the time we should realize and think about how much time and energy we are going to invest to this relationship. Try to revert back equally when it comes to love. We should give an equal amount of love back. Problems are parts and parcel of relationship. Love is like a game where each team tries to give their equal best. It shouldn't be a one sided affair.

Introspect and tell me how it feels to be in love. When you are committed to someone, be focused on small things which would make them happy. Take them for a movie, dinner, a long walk and do things which would make them happy and still smile in their face. Not everyone is lucky enough to fall in love. Be happy that you are amongst those lucky ones to be loved by someone. If you have won someone's heart then be loyal to them and try to live up to their expectation. Spending some time with them will not destroy your business or profit for that matter. Make them feel special. Compliment and Appreciate each other.  Will you still be the same if I'll be not around you? You will certainly miss me and wait for my arrival, atleast a little.

No one would unnecessarily harbor special feelings for you. They like some qualities of you and certain things in you impressed them thus making them fall for you. First try to know if you are with the right person whom you are destined to be. In this materialistic money minded world, it might be certain that your partner might be using you as a mere trump card exhibiting fake feelings. A true lover's feeling would be authentic and real. Try to identify how much your partner loves you.

There might be in differences and arguments, but never let your love fade away from your life. Do not dabble in love and exhibit fake feelings for your partner. If you do, then be prepared to see your love vanishing away from your life. You will feel jinxed and cry at your own plight. Sit and talk. Love is sensitive and one should never play with or even try to play with someone's feeling. Talk with them and try to resolve the conflicts. They Say "A true love lives forever". Be honest, share views and talk amiably with each other. This might help you. Care for the one who loves and make them feel you are there for them.

In the back of my mind, somewhere deep in my heart there lies a small area where my heart beats for you. 

I hate seeing you so sad it breaks me. Every time I just want to be there to make everything okay for you. I just want to see you smile and be able to hold you every moment of everyday. Certainly I would never feel like this with anyone. I love everything about you, I'm sorry I get jealous, and scared I'll lose you, but you don't realize how amazing you are and what a big loss it would be for me. I get jealous because I want every waking moment with you because life is short and I don't want to miss a second with you. 

I can sit here with you forever. I don't need to touch you. I don't need to hear your voice. I don't even have to look at you. As long as I know that you're here besides me. If I can smell your scent that I've grown to adore more then that of roses, hear you breathe feel your warmth permuting the air around me, I'll be fine..

#Wed 18sep 2:45 am

 

I read this statement somewhere and just love this. It has nothing to do with this post. How often do we realize that any act of yours could hurt some one. We may have not intended to hurt the person, but the message may be misinterpreted and the person may feel bad. There are such people who have this unique talent of hurting people. I call it as a talent just because in some way or the other I find myself associated with this thing. When you speak something, we often fail to take a note of the impact it creates on the opponent. I can relate myself to this category of people. I have hurt few of my best people which includes my parents, my sibling, my friends, cousins etc. Its only after that I regret hurting a wonderful person, someone close to my heart. 
I have no doubts that god has send me his best people to be my friends. This is the person who have supported me and encouraged me for things which I couldn't do. I remember how I once spoke against my parents for irritating me early morning. Infact they both were making sense, its just that I took it the wrong way. I was already pissed of due to this recession saga and it was 7 am early morning. But this was not the only but at present I don't know why, but I am too stupid, I badly hurted many a times some one who knew me so well. It is one who I adore, one of my best friend. I mean the bestest of my friend. I don't know if such word exists in English dictionary, I just want to say that this person has done so many wonders. At times, I plan to make decisions hastily. Deleting my blog was a long time goal ....hehe its not going to be an achievement though. It is this person who protested against this decision and told me the importance of my blog and my small little readers group. My blog would have died long ago if it wasn't this person. It was this persons advice and words or few which have made me smile at a time. Thanks a lot best friend, you don't cease to make me smile.
The title of the post was actually a thought provoking statement which was some of my friends said Just concentrate on this line and think for a while. How meaningful it is naa?? Its quite true that its just one smile that could stop people's tear. All that I want from you is just one smile. I know you could very well fake smiles and I am very well aware of it. I can easily find out the difference between your original and fake smiles. I know I am rude and stupid soul on Earth. I know how much I irritate you. And the same thing continuous every time. I am so sorry for it .

Thanks a lot for being my best buddy on earth. I just want to show you this picture. If you still don't smile, then this is what gonna happen.

And hey this is for you....Just accept this .I know you got a special crush on choclates ....:D..

I cannot see my best friend sad and hope you know it...

This is for you and only you know it why :)

Life has taken a U Turn, April 2013 Feels like I am standing at the same point where I stood six years back. No it's not about joining a new job. But currently I am facing yet another cross road. I remember the words "to be or not to be" well yeah they are the famous words, but I remember someone close say these to me and today, not exactly today but in the recent times I have these words crossing my mind quite often. 

How does it feel if you find yourself in a situation where you were six years back ?? 

I had come to Delhi, no friends, not even a single known face. Now after all six years I feel the same. I am still at Delhi for those who might wonder where I am currently but I still feel the same. Not many people I know and that's in a very literal way I mean it. Not many know me in fact no one knows me. 

Who I am. I am lost somewhere. Recently I shifted my flat. This time with a roommate, old buddies left to the other part of the city. The only reason of parting from my friends was to stay close to offic, but in vain, every effort to make my wishes work fails.
Coming back to Delhi after flat 1 year seems like its a transfer to me. New flat, new people in neighbor, at office.
Though people whom I meet are my team mates, but I use to meet them only at my cubical or team hurdle, they no longer resides in my memory once I leave my office. I still have the phone numbers of all my old buddies in which half of them are not in use but having them in my phone-book gives a feeling of familiarity. Coming Delhi this time is like a completely new experience for me, though hectic it teaches you many things in life. You get to see that you are not the only person who is around working hard, there are even people who have been doing the same thing since ages..just for their families.

Living jobless for one year in Bokaro was all hell and I felt the urge to get back to Delhi, at least I could do something for my family and for myself. After all that’s why we exist, moreover, today or tomorrow I would be changing my job  and would go to some other company, meantime, I am missing S very much and probably my missing her these days is making me to feel this U turn feeling, she had been there with me since long and its long time I had her any news and after long two years of togetherness I ought to have this void around me. 

There seems to be too much of confusion. First, I know switch is not that a tough thing to do even during this tough market scenario but even after a switch I will be at the same place where I am today. I wont get to be a CEO instantly and it wouldn't help me personally either nothing gonna change. I know this can be best thing I can do. but I don’t know why I fail to put in the effort may be its because of complacency, of the backup that I have in form of a job. I need to burn my boats, close all the options. I know I have it in me but nothing is achieved without hard work so I need to put in effort. But somewhere I too don’t feel to change my direction when I have already invested my four years somewhere else. How is this going to help? Shouldn't I carry on in the same domain. In the outsourcing rather than getting into technology?? But I do realize that we at outsourcing don’t have something great at our hand, even a 10th grade student can do the same if given training for a month and if he knows how to handle a PC nothing great..And funny it may sound somewhere in the back of my mind…I too think I should give it a try for civil services, But I feel I have a kind of  inclination towards the arts subjects, sociology, philosophy, psychology, history (though I am very poor at memorizing), geography but it’s a tough nut to crack when I have least idea about such subject. 

Currently, every day ahead is so very blank like never before..so very confused…I feel I need to have an opinion poll…Please suggest!

I crave to be accepted for who I am on my darkest days. I want you to see how tangled I am with my past, how high my ego is. I want to shower you with all of my imperfections. I know it will scare you off and I know it shouldn't be this way but I believe that the best part of me is something that you need to fight for, not something that was made to please you. I stay devoted to the people I care about. I have a huge dream. You will soon realize how softhearted I am- but only if you choose to stay a little longer. I hope you do but I can't force feelings and I certainly have no rights to keep you.

So I'll wait, even though waiting is tiring and fruitless. To bring a stranger into your life and allow them to catch a glimpse of what it's like to have you around and was thrown away because you don't belong in their expectations- well that sucks. And I can't bear to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or maybe I should have stop trying way too hard. Either way, it's eating up my bar of patience and I'm beginning to lose hope. I just, I hope you will stay. I don't know who you are yet, and I'm starting to feel like I wouldn't even meet you in the end. Please appear to where I'm typing right now because I need you to hold my trembling hand and tell me that it is all okay now. Please, find me. Find me quick. Because I'm tired of pushing people away without my consciousness. And I'm afraid I might had pushed you away too.

(#sun 6th april 1:15am)

 I might be nothing for you. But you are a lot of things for me. I don't have right words to explain. But, still I want to let you know...

You are the "Song", I love to sing.
You are the "Pain", I love to gain.
You are the "Rain", I love to get wet in.
You are the "Mirror", I love to look in.
You are the "Story", I love to read.
You are the "Mystery", I love to hide.
You are the "Dream", I love to trust.
You are the "Bird", I love to fly with.
You are the "Breath", I love to take.
You are the "Truth", I love to be proud of.
You are the "Feeling", I love to feel.
You are the "Flower", I love to smell.
You are the "One", I loved as beloved.
You are the "Past", I loved.
You are the "Future", I'd only love.
You are the "Present", I love to love.

Doubt regarding your happiness? You fucking kidding me...Right! 

I mean why to question about any kind of feeling. Oh yeah I must be talking about relationship, love and feelings which I cannot ever understand, but I mean it... If you are trying to think about why you are not happy, you are doing it wrong babes.
Feeling is not a thing or a cloth to think about, whether I should have it or not. Its a beautiful experience, an emotion, a sensation which thrills you inside. You are glad, in love, sad, angry, or say irritated... Your face, tone everything just say it all. One need not to tell or ask about it.

Most of the times in a relationship, we try to keep things straight and normal. No one wishes any kind of complexity in it. But many times we end up discussing things, which takes you directly to a break-up. I somehow feel that, less discussion and more fight & forgive things work better. One night you fight for it, next morning you woke up like nothing happened.
Indeed that would be a pretty beautiful life.

A person should not indulge deep down in the problem solving well. That well is flooded with confusions, problems, tears, sorrows and many more negative stuff. In any condition we should try to keep ourselves far far away from it. I know life doesn't work the way I want to, but somehow I feel that it will get better if we start doing things this way. I am not saying this is perfect, there must be some sorted out solid solution for this, but when you are helpless and trying to save a relationship after a month break-up may be, you should not go deep in it. A patch-up session should be super romantic and cute without any negative thoughts or wrong doings of past. I believe!

But whatever, it totally depends on an individual's choice. One last thing: Till the time your heart is not broken, you won't know what it takes to keep a relationship go like nothing happened. And if you never experienced a broke relationship, you won't know what true happiness really means!

So break hearts and spread happiness!!

Stop Feeling your Feelings and let your body feel whatever it wants to feel.

Don't know. I really don't know. Its me who's forcefully feeling all this or people around me making me feel that

I am not that sad or depressed or embarrassed because I have make myself numb from these feelings. Its just that I hate hearing No, and when I keep on asking some of my friends and when they keep on saying no for things, I feel like I am bringing down my self respect by myself. Its like I have fed up up this word N-O.

They say, among friends there's nothing in context to self respect or anything. But what to do at some point of time you feel like its enough, its done, I can't bear your arrogant attitude anymore dear. You live with it.

I again experienced it with the same person for the n th time, can say. And today I am feeling is it just me who worries about things, who care about people, who is ready to go anywhere and everywhere and just want to do everything to make my friend happy or do I also show such kind of attitude. As far as I remember, I never ever said No, I mean in worst case, I might have, but if its possible in every way, I was ready to do whatever there was in my consent, and for this if I expect a 2 minute good talk or some appreciation instead, then I don't feel its too much. If you are not agree then you can say I am much of a  demanding person and I have much expectations from my friends. I am not going to blame you for this.

(I will do whatever I want to do, don't expect anything from me and neither I will expect anything from you. hearing these words from anyone can easily make you hate them but getting these words from someone you love is surely you don't want to hear..right??!)

I came here today as I was so fucking; frustrated with the behavior of my friend that I really wanted to kill her right there, but poor me I cannot. I just wanted to write something so that I can sleep peacefully, as I cannot bear negative thoughts for the longer period, as people say I am happy happy and always-smiling type guy, which is how much true to me I don't know.

Bad post I know. But its a random random and very random thought.

Don't ever let your friends down, they are the only creature in the world who are gonna be with you for the very short period of time, because when you migrate from one place to other you can never experience the same moments with your old friend. I was never a good social person that's why I left with few friends only but I miss all of them and I am trying to make most of myself with present ones.!! 

Love them and Enjoy with them, you gonna miss this time !!

(#Thu 21 feb 3:10 am)

 

I don't know from where in the blue these feelings came to conscious part of my mind, but  I always read and being told that, there is always a Thin Line between Friendship and Love. I never realized until the time I really experienced it which really brought me to this thought of finding out what it could be. We all know it is a thin line, but it could be the various steps of being a friend and then falling in love, or it could be the Lust or some kind of favor or in worst-case desperation for anything and everything.
More often when lust comes in between, it bloody spoils everything. A small discussion of kiss between a guy and a girl friend, could bring a terrible change in their friendship. They can either keep on discussing or end up with text sex, they could also end up with being a lover, or a new category came these days "fuck friends". I really laughed on this term.

Some Hollywood movies like No Strings Attached, Indecent Proposal, are bringing major changes in lives.

Like different categories of relationship that is properly categorized on Facebook, except "Live in-Relationship", there are hell lot of categories coming for Friends too. The main two new categories can be 'fuck friends' and 'Extra-Affair-Affair', though the later one should be in relationship genre but it suits here better.
I always wonder is the Sex or Lust, is the only thing left in this world. These are definitely not bad but it could be harmful, if applied to places where it should not be. Come on, you cannot kiss your best friend or friend, its way way different relation. One should not spoil it by bringing lust thing in between, not for fun too. Because I always read in my messages, there is a little seriousness in every Just Kidding; similarly, there is always some expectation behind every fun element done between friends. Either way you should have strong bonding, for say if some day you implement such thing, it should not bother you or you should forget it like some bad dream.

Every one commit million mistakes in their life, there's no one left in this world, who has not done mistakes, or in other case everyone has someone else to blame their mistakes to, because many of them don't have enough guts to accept the truth. In this hell world, if you accept your mistake and trying to be truthful, it means you are a pure impractical. No fucking doubt in it. If you are completely ignoring the truth and cooking up things to prove yourself innocent, I bet anyone will find you innocent. I know I am out of the track, but still this thing has a connection with my post.

Anyways all I know whosoever he/she is, out of 10, 8 people have lack of understanding and bonding. One cannot easily interpret between lies and truth, innocent or clever. Still they pretend that they are the smartest person among everyone. They have a very weak knowledge of relations, hardly anyone can differentiate between all the new old categories of Friends and if you are already in relationship, it does not bother much to people around.

While concluding, I want to give a small message.

Please maintain that thin line between Love and Friendship. Both are valuable relations in life. A small mistake can take your laughs and fun times and most importantly your Friend or your Lover away. Like "Old is Gold", stick to Friends and Best Friends categories, its hard to maintain equal friendship with everyone. Not all can be your best friend or BFF. So try thinking before committing any mistake and Save Your Relationship!! It is more worthy than your life, because without some friends your life is incomplete. 

Otherwise count me as the best example of having a fucked up relationship (#misunderstanding).

P.S: Apology for all the undesired words.

(# Mon18 feb 1:20am)

I wish I could see my dreams and hold onto them closely. It is like I have locked them safe from the world and now I have lost the key… sometimes I lag and keep myself away from the hard work and the pain that I have to go through to get near my dreams. It is so easy to forget your responsibilities and duties and I really think sometimes giving up looks so easy! You know, they say, there is always a home that you can come back to…for me that home has got wheels and the more close I try to get, the farther it moves away.

I am not a negative person and not even a grumbler, but now things just don’t look right to me. My dreams are so huge and I feel small. It is so hard to explain your decisions to people, to whom you have got to explain.

All through my life, I have been living a life whose purpose or meaning, I couldn’t understand. When I learnt to live my life on my terms, I started to enjoy the process and made decisions that would lead me to a better life. I can count on my decisions but the people around me just look for result. I cannot throw these people away and so sometimes I feel my decisions have given up on me and that is the scariest moment for me.
I don’t need my dreams to prove something but I need them to make me without them I would not have lived.

High time to start a new journey in pursuit of dreams woven long back. New destination, new peoples, new hope.

I hate my imagination , to give me such crappy and meaningless desires that cannot be fulfilled in reality, or that is not something I want to do in reality. How come I can desire something in my mind, and not really want it when it becomes (close to) real? This contradiction disgusts myself.

Anyways its time to celebrate. HBD Basu

One day I was sitting at the market parking lot, this place has became my hangout spot lately, specially when I am alone. I usually like to sit there just because I usually remain alone. But I am not a sort of loner actually. 

Anyways sitting there I was seeing a girl from last couple of days. A girl, small and smart. She was a like a street kid. I think she was Bangladeshi but I was not so sure of it. she came to me asking for money. I got away from her, and was swinging in my own thoughts. Then I brushed away my worrying and saw that girl again, this time she was right across another parking lot asking the people standing there. No one standing near me gave her money, she still continued hoping someone would. This is a regular feature I get to see in parking lot near market. 

I saw her the next day too, still doing her job dedicatedly and not giving up on us. She asked me again, and again the next day, and every time she sees me, but she didn't give up on me. I never gave her anything nor will I, ‘cause I know she works for someone else and this money will never fulfill her hunger or pain.

It is not that I am not over her. I am. Or at least I think I am.
Because the last time, I thought so, I believed it. But tonight things are different. I miss her tonight. And, she sits in my thoughts playing a romantic rhyme to what could have become of us.
I want to write about her. I want to talk about her. But I fear snapping of patience, I fear of feeling that she is not my life.Today I am writing here because no one can ask me here "why".

I hate not to think of her. Because every time I do think of her, I float in an air of a light heart and a soul that swings in opinions and decisions. A feeling that pulls me back in time, a feeling that I like. I miss her not being a part of my life any longer. I miss her as the voice on my phone. I miss her at the end of the day when I could share about my whole day to her and she to me. I miss those secrets that I had told only to her. I miss her presence, her energy, her purity. She has been my inspiration and on most days I would look up to her. Her baby face and giggle sound was certainly a good veil over her vice and yet sometimes, she was just too baby-ish to be tolerated.
She must be a big girl now. She must have grown. She must be working now. She must be this good human being that I know exists in her. She must be so many other things which I cannot even imagine. What does she like now, what does she want now?
I hate her becoming a stranger to me. I want her to freeze in time, stay exactly as she was, that same person whom I loved so dearly. I have held her so close to my soul, so close to my existence. She was a part of that life- the life which I left for entering a worst one. And, thinking that she must be changing every single minute, breaks my heart. Every single minute she's becoming a stranger. Every single minute she is moving away. Every single minute I have to let go. And, I hate letting go of her. To think of it again and again. When will this cycle end?
I have a frustration when it comes to her. It is anger and it is sadness. She never stopped me and I never cared to look back. If only she had stopped me..we could have been together . I hate her for not doing that. I hate her for being too good. And, I hate her that she couldn't just hold me when I was slipping away.

And, now as I write, I hate this weakling. I hate this person I have become who writes about "love" {for God's sake!} I hate her for making me feel this way after all this time. I am not this person. Every time, I swear to myself, I will never talk about her again. And, I fail. And, I hate this failing.
I sigh as I write. My breathing is heavy and I could most certainly cry. If only I could. I talk about her so fondly. She was my first love and she will always be and yet our relationship ended with not a single tear. We drifted so slowly that it never looked we were moving apart. It only looked natural but it hurts so now.
On some of the toughest times today, I think of her. I see her in my dreams, smiling at me,hinting at me, loving me. What does all of that mean?

There was a time when I could walk alone without her memories and now every where I turn, she is there. In unknown faces, names, walks, looks, smiles, words. She walks with me.
It sometimes scares me. I feel burden with an emotion from my past and I feel it weighing me down. I could never love again or never love someone as much I loved her. She has become the standard, the ultimate. And, now every time someone would come tome with love in their eyes, I would only try to find her in them. I would calculate how much of her is in them, how much of them is not like her. A fear that bounds to my chest and stays there, thumping my heart and nauseating my guts. I believe in every fiber of her, I dream about her, and I wish to see her someday, but now I feel weak. I feel nauseated and I feel scared. I wish to be liberated from her and yet I deny every word I just said.

I have always wished her well. Or I have made myself believe so. She never hurt me, she never once violated me, never promised me of a faded future. She was sure. She loved. She laughed. She whistled. She was hot.{sigh} She was good. A good heart. A good love.
Which is why I still carry her. Which is why it is hard to let go. Probably, which is why I think I could have been wrong.
A good love teaches a lot many things. And like a good love, she did. Which is why I will always love her. Even if it is in a naive, subtle way.
Happy Birthday A.

Ah! I don't believe I've come this far. When I began writing I had no idea I would write so much that someday I will have my own personal blog and moreover I will be writing a 120th post. If, someone had told me earlier I would have termed that person insane. Basically reason being I never had faith in my writing nor did others around me had. In fact people who knew me before I began writing were shocked that I can even put two and two words together and create something meaningful. Then again, there came a person in my life who had faith in me and my writing and somewhere I owe this 120th post to that someone.

For me, this isn't really a day for celebration because one of the most important  person in my life, who had faith in me and who encouraged me not just to write but everywhere is not in my life. We have parted ways. To be very truthful, it's none other than my soul-searched friend to whom I had even dedicated a poem here, but then again situations arise and people walk away and we have to live with that or rather learn to live.

If I'm honest to myself, I was not going to write this post but deep 

inside I had to give credit to that someone and maybe the only person I ever wrote for. I even planned on quit writing but somehow I couldn't and the reason being I still write for that person. There are a lot of happy memories and moments, unfulfilled wishes and dreams and most importantly what I shared with that person. I realized, if I let go of my writing I'll let go of myself the little bit of me left completely and I don't think that's fair. I know it won't affect my friend anymore but I wanna think maybe it might, call it denial or madness or just a reason to write, I'm writing and I'll continue till I can.

I even know, this person/my friend may will never come to my blog again but I wish her a very happy life ahead and I hope her dreams are fulfilled. And that wherever she is at the moment and will be tomorrow may my prayers and my good wishes reach her.

One more thing, before I end I didn't know this was gonna be my 120th post and so I'll post the shayri I had originally intended to post, it is a sad one but nowhere related to this post..just a random poem in urdu I read somewhere but I'm just unable to pen something happy happy at the moment.

I do not want to end on a sad note but I really do not think I can end on a happy note either, apart from the fact that it's first week of year and I wish all my friends a Happy & Prosperous New Year :)

 (# 4th jan 11:46pm)

The hardest lesson I had to learn, and was reminded of time and again, is that good people also hurt. No matter how perfect they are for, at some point or another, they will say something that you weren't expecting them to say, they will do something that, at the time, would be terribly disappointing, and they will sometimes be harsh and mean. And that is okay. I think it was the "okay" part that was the hardest for me to grasp.

It is okay that someone doesn't always fulfill your expectations. It is okay when someone you really love flips out on you or behaves a little irrationally. Too often we just forget that. We ask for a break but we are not willing to give a break. They should also be given the room to be a little mean, and a little rude, and a little harsh, because they are after all, just like us. They also deserve a break. They can also break into a tantrum, and that is quite alright. You can't always hold the anger and the hurt and the little mistakes against them just because you didn't expect them to do it.

For me it is seldom the mistake but the repetitiveness of the same mistake that raises the concern. I think the most important thing is not about how many times a personal slipped but how many times he tried not to slip. The important thing is to know that they are trying. That at the end of the day they care, and their actions show you that they do. 

 __________________________________________________________________________________________

Try me! Get on! I am ready for the challenge!

(# 20Dec 12:05am)

 

Something's really is going wrong, and I don't know what it is. Have you ever get that nervous feeling when you don't know what to do anymore, and you don't even know why you're so finicky?  Probably no, but I get this way sometimes. Its like, there's some place I might need to be, someone I'd wanna talk to, something I've forgotten to do, something I shouldn't have done, aaaaaaahhhh , feels like screaming, but I don't know what, or who, or why or where or how.
Its just like half-baked sort of feeling, you know, a sense of incompleteness. I mean, I know everything's going well with me right now, but there's something that I can't put my finger on, that's bugging me. Like I just updated in my Facebook status (I have no fucking idea why I bother to do it), I somehow can't sleep. I just can't sleep, and its doing all sorts of things to my head. I feel so fidgety. I don't wanna lie down, I don't wanna sit up, I don't wanna turn on the lights, I don't wanna be in the dark.  

What the fuck man, why do I have these tiny bouts of uncertainty?

I think I'm a guy defined or rather undefined by my moods. Everything, absolutely every bloody thing for me depends on my mood, subconsciously or not. My music, my reading, my watching TV, the kind of food I eat, the way I behave, and now I'm wondering whether or not to put this write-up on the blog, you know, so people don't think I'm crazy. It doesn't matter though, just few handful reads this freaking blog anyway, and they know me well, or so they would think.

I'm not that much of a social scientist, and I'm not even sure if that's a valid job, maybe just a make-belief one. But I was once thinking about this thing, and I figured I should note it down. 

People are unhappy. They just are. They always will be. They are bloody unsatisfied too, always yearning for more, for something else, for that greener grass. Have you ever stopped and wondered why? Well, being at the crossroads of life that I am, I'm like the stationary milestone who's watching everyone else rush past, absorbed in their own unimportant lives.
Anyhow, the point is, unhappiness is caused by dissatisfaction. It may be from anything. Dissatisfaction is caused by envy. Yep, you heard me ENVY . Everyone, atleast the mortals, ( laugh, people) are envious of something, their neighbors' bigger car, their friends' glam lifestyle, their boss' hot wife. You get my point, don't you.  

Now don't get me wrong, its perfectly natural and true for everyone of us. And it is this envy, that makes us do what we do. There is always a point or a position in life that we strive to achieve. Its upto us though, the way we do it.
 

There are two basic approaches to deal with this yearning.

First, you let the envy get hold of you, to the extent of making you unhappy, so you actively work towards your goal.
Second, you get unhappy, you stay unhappy, then you make up your mind that you are never gonna achieve that position anyway, and might as well be happy with the bird in hand. THIS, should finally push you into a state of stability (if you're an optimist) or Stagnancy (if you think like a pessimist) and thus, you will stop trying to struggle, and force yourself to be happy.

Which one is the better path, I find myself thinking. Should I continue to be unhappy, and keep struggling to get there? Or should I just be happy and chill? Will it make me stable? Or will it push me towards stagnancy/motionless?
Think about what you wanna do. Of course, for most of us the choice of the approach is inbuilt. As in its in your genes, if you are a fighter, or if you are a content individual. A subconscious choice, rather. However, if you're one of the few people who can make an effort and choose, then go ahead . Wish you all the love and luck.

I think I need some love and luck too, while I'm talking about it.
Did I ever tell you (the "you" being the hypothetical creatures who read this) that I write to vent out? See, I was so unknowingly disturbed just a few minutes ago, and now I feel much more peaceful. Sleep's starting to set in too. I better say bye now. Another day, Another thought.
I really hope I will have a good time tomorrow.
 

 (# 12 Dec 1:10am)

But you have been The Only One.

(# a post  from drafts - 10 Aug 2012

updated - 8 Dec 2012 12:20 am)